How the fuck did this happen?!

Hey, there's a maturity warning for a REASON, people.
I swear. Not sorry. This isn't a flouncy airy plant blog, oh no no no no no; THIS is an outlet.
And when I create an outlet, I do it with profanity.

Most people who know me know that plants come into my house to DIE. Cut flowers? They don't last a week, mostly because I don't own a vase and don't wish to own a vase because flowers aren't my thing. I've been given plants to look after "for the kids" which have stayed outdoors whether they're outdoor plants or not, and been left to fend for themselves. Incidentally, the kids' potato plants from last year are still alive, despite my prolonged and deliberate neglect. Fuck knows how. A hanging basket, thoughtfully prepared as an anniversary gift became a hotbed of dead matter and live weeds within a month. The hanging basket bracket is now a bird feeder.

So my question is, how THE FUCK is my room now crammed with so many plants I can barely fit in it myself?

I mean, it all started innocently enough:

See, innocent.

When it arrived, I was very soon disappointed by the fact that it wasn't a real plant. Nothing on the website to suggest it wasn't going to be an actual living plant, but what I got was small and cute and... plastic.

So the next time I happened to go into Tesco, and I saw REAL succulents... I bought one. Just one. They're called Charlie. Didn't think you had to do much, maybe water it once in a blue moon. I gave it a little drink, and went on holiday for 10 days.

To my absurd joy, Charlie was still alive upon my return! And what was this in the post? Ah, that would be the TEN mixed lot of succulents and cacti I had drunk ordered whilst on holiday. A few days after that, a very large Echeveria arrived, practically overflowing its 12cm pot. OH EM GEE.

So anyway, I was headed to the local garden centre boutiquey shop place strictly to buy a voucher for my gran for her birthday, and I got curious about how to present my new brood of spicy plants, and wandered (in a cautiously socially distanced manner) into the garden centre part of the shop. Oh dear. That was my biggest mistake.

So instead of finding a cute terrarium and some cactus/succulent specific potting stuff, I came away with a double macrame plant hanger, two Hedera ivy plants, a jar of tiny polished gravel, a fucking bonsai tree, a purple Oxalis, four fucking plant pots, a panda plant, one big fat long-spined cactus that was just bloody magnificent, and a handful of insanely cute cacti/succulents. And a fucking loyalty card.

The terrariums I found online, and they arrived over the next few days, with the Perlite I needed to make my own cacti/succulent potting mix because of COURSE there wasn't any in the garden centre that day so I Googled how to make my own.

I lovingly created three glass terrariums, repotted my large succulent, the panda plant and the magnificent cactus, and was very pleased with myself.

And then... more plants appeared. Ah, that would be the plant SUBSCRIPTION that I'd seemingly drunk ordered at some point.

The week after, yet more plants arrived in the post. And then more came home with me from Tesco. And then I found an excuse to "swing by" the garden centre and - you guessed it - yet more plants.

AND THEN LIDL!! Oh good grief Lidl then started stocking VERY CHEAP PLANTS so home came a four foot variegated ficus and a bunch of other smaller plants, and not long after that I managed to sneak into the house - RIGHT PAST THE HOUSEMATE AND CHILDREN - a four foot Dracanea marginata. My housemate is still not aware of that one, but the kids are. They've kept it a secret so far, I think.

In the middle of all this, my crafty self went into overdrive making... plant pot sweaters. Cus, you know those lil plastic starter pots are kinda fugly, and I had the yarn and the know-how, so why the hell not. After buying some cheap black macrame plant hangers on Amazon I then realised I could MAKE the fucking things as well, so out came the jute twine and up went more plants.

So my plants are in pots that either have a galvanised outer pot (for aesthetics, yo) or the CUTEST little planty sweaters (which I also make to order on Etsy, go check them out, they're freakin' adorable).

This is Alfred in his sweater.

And they ALL have names.

Except the pups, I'm not naming them until I know they're gonna live.

Now, you might think that this all happened over the course of a few months, and technically that is true. The fake plant was bought early July and the earliest photographic evidence of Charlie is 26th July, so they were probably bought a couple of days prior to that. My holiday to Norway ended on the 10th August, and it's been little over 4 weeks since I arrived back to my first drunk plant purchase.

I easily have over 50 plants at this stage. I have a meticulous watering schedule. I bought them their own water filter jug for fuck's sake! I'll update with a full count (including names and pictures) in another post.

Sadly, there have been casualties. I took my drunk cacti and succulents outside for some sun and a fucking seagull came and pecked the shit out of a couple of them. I also lost one of my airplants to root rot (I've since changed how I take care of them to avoid this in the future), and one of my other succulents just started to rot for seemingly no reason - it was in a terrarium with three others and they're all fine, so not likely a watering issue as they're all succulents/cacti. Sad, but shit happens, and a new friend is only a short drive and a couple of quid away, if I've not already done the drink-and-Prime thing.

I've also had tentative success creating open terrariums (closed are on my list next), repotting, dividing larger plants, and I've even made some kokedama!

I'll write posts about the sweaters (including patterns - grab your DPNs and some DK/worsted weight wool and you'll be cranking these darlings out yourself soon), how I made my terrariums and kokedama, and updates on my little planty friends.

I joined TikTok JUST to post about my plants and cats, you can follow me there if you want, or my Instagram also has plenty of planty posts (but also pics of my cats, kids, salads, and haircuts).

Remember, plants make people HAPPY! It took me 39 years, but I am finally a #ProudPlantDad with an expensive grown-up hobby: Urban Gardening.